At school, timetable clashes forced me to choose between art and biology. I told my wife this to justify my ignorance, but she was intolerant, shouting obscenities and slapping me at every opportunity. We had organised a water birth, so a rainy afternoon, gridlocked on the North Circular wasn’t a substitute. Nevertheless, helped by Google and memories of a Casualty episode, I delivered little Cooper, all on my own. Even so, this achievement didn’t tame her incessant nagging. Thankfully, there were two consolations: we were in her Mini, and whilst waiting for the ambulance, I shot some fantastic Leibovitz-style photographs.